I have just returned from 10:00 tonight, a bit shaken from the time travel but ready to report on highlights from tonight's State of the Union address. It waswillbe absolutely amazing! President Obama knockedwillknock it out of the park.
I thought his speech a couple of weeks ago was his best ever. I was wrong. This one kickedwillkick some really major butt. You will be surprised. I waswillbe.
So here are the highlights:
In tonight's State of the Union Address, President Obama will demand that Haiti be made the fifty-first United State.
He will ask the GOP to stop spreading the lie that he is in favor of a national holiday in honor of Bozo the Clown.
He will not retreat from his previously stated position in favor of rights for people named Gay.
He will wonder out loud why the GOP does not want to allow people named Gay to be married.
He will point to Arnold Schwarzenegger in the crowd and say, "We know you'll be back."
He will not ask Congress to declare war on Texas (though he will be sorely tempted).
He will condemn the deplorable violence in this country and blame it on all of the bombs Hollywood served up last summer.
He will announce that, since the Congress will not let him close Guantanemo Bay, he is instead opening a 5 Star resort there to be called "The Key to the Bay." Its motto will be: "Osama bin hidin', but now you can be residin' in 5 star luxury." For a (large) extra fee, a tour of the prison facility will be available, and one lucky vacationer per month will have the opportunity to participate in an actual waterboarding.
He will endorse Hailee Steinfeld for the Best Supporting Actress Oscar, saying, "Malia would kill me if I didn't. They're practically the same age."
He will abandon the "Star Spangled Banner" as the National Anthem, calling it "outdated, essentially unsingable, and full of violent lyrics," and announcing a year-long contest for a new one to be the subject of a new FOX reality series called American Anthem.
He will offer John Boehner congratulations and a cup of tea, saying "Be careful what you wish for."
Abandoning tradition, he will use the SOTU to announce the start of his re-election campaign, and his new slogan will be: "Obama: Keep the Change. (Why not? Things can't possible get MORE screwed up?)"
He will thank Nancy Pelosi for her years of excellence as Speaker, calling her "the greatest Speaker ever." Joe Wilson will yell, "You lie," but no one will care.
He will apologize the Antonin Scalia for the fact the the Supreme Court Justice interpreted his remarks last year about the Citizens United opinion as a slight. "I was speaking off the cuff," he will say. "Had I prepared the remark, you would not have needed to interpret my comment. I would most certainly have made it clear that you were all a bunch of absolute jackasses on that one."
Well, those were the highlights. There were some things about wars and the economy and stuff, but no one really cares about that so I was not paying much attention. Oh, and Michelle looked FABULOUS!